two lil things

Hi.

It's still me.

Although my brain has decided to distribute its chemicals in an order that makes nothing seem to have sense, I still keep the necklace you gave me in our first trip to your favourite place.

Even when the pain is the only thing that keeps all the remaining feelings tightly strained in a locked up cage... I still think about the day you told me to remember, when the wind washed away our worries and tears felt like nothing but the rain of November when it's the middle of May.

It may seem silly, stupid and lazy when I say that I do not want the chain to take me away- it feels like an old friend, the pain when they held up a sign just to say... Are you too weak to deal with today.

~~~

My life is just counting down, crossing out days like running through a maze that ends in a room with ten doors and a maze behind everyone of them except for one. What does it hide, you might ask. Well. It depends on whose you unmask.

Behind it for me is a land with tall trees and a few colors guiding the way. The weather just right and a huge house with sights and a camera and you by my side.

Querido Patrick,

Y entonces, por primera vez, me sentí libre. La liberación vino en forma de una maravillosa brisa en la oscuridad, mientras mi cabello fluía con ella, y sentía mi vestido como una llama que dibujaba el camino tras de mí. Dejé al frío deslizarse a través de cada poro, hundirse en mis células, cuidadosamente asentadas mientras otros desorganizados sonidos llegaban a mis oídos y hacían mi piel vibrar.

Sentí, por una vez, que él no estaba alli sólo porque se sentía pena por mí. No parecía un brindis de simpatía, sino más bien como un silencioso aliado, un ángel que me trajo aquí. Él no me guió. Solamente ofreció un camino al Único Momento. Mi momento. Me levanté y todo miedo al juicio y las preocupaciones sobre meterme en problemas sólo se...disiparon. Todo estaba claro. Ya no era un extraño a mi propio cuerpo. Yo no era un esclavo. Yo no era un luchador ni estaba resistiendo. Pero yo era. Y ser era la cosa más significativa que había experimentado nunca.

Filtrándose a través de las bajas luces que iluminaban el túnel y el rugido del viento, escuché la canción por los altavoces. En ese instante, ya no era una persona cantando, sino una mera creación puesta en el universo en ese mismo segundo, que existía sólo por el tiempo en el que yo la escuchaba. Y de nuevo, se adentró en mi, cosquilleó a mis sentidos y entró sin llamar, haciéndome así sentir.

Sentí.

Por primera vez, me sentí infinito.

Dear Patrick,

And then, for the first time, I felt free. Liberation came in the shape of a wonderful breeze in the darkness while my hair flowed with it, my dress feeling like a flame that drew the pace behind me. I let the cold slip through every pore, sink in in my cells, carefully settled as otherwise unorganized sounds reached my ears and made my skin vibrate.

I felt, for once, as if he was not there because he felt sorry for me. This felt not as a sympathy toast but more like a quiet sidekick, an angel that brought me here. He didn't lead me. He just offered a way to The Only Moment. My moment. I stood up and all the fear of judgement and all the worrying about getting in trouble just...disipated. It was clear. I was not a stranger to my own body. I was not a slave. I was not a fighter, nor was I resisting. But I was. And being was the most meaningful thing I had ever experienced.

Filtering through the low lights that brightened up the tunnel and the roar of the wind, I heard the song through the speakers. In that instant, it was not a person singing anymore, but a mere creation popped into the universe in that very second that existed only for the time I heard it. And again, it crawled into me, tickled my senses and chimed in without knocking, thus making me feel.

I felt.

For the first time, I felt infinite.

2015 Rewind

Como conclusión de este año, que ha sido una montaña rusa, voy a apuntar algunos de los momentos y logros más importantes:
·En enero, le di un abrazo a una de las personas que más me han inspirado en los últimos cinco años y...estuve en Madrid por primera vez, un reto y una aventura bastante única with my mom. Bastante guay.
·Ensayé con mi (maravillosa) banda Swan Song y aprendí muchísimo sobre el proceso, lo que ha sido una experiencia genial que nos llevó a nuestra primera actuación en mayo, que fue fácilmente uno (si no el mejor) día del año. <3.
·Estuve en verano en dos países, pasé tiempo con mi familia (guay).
·Aprendí un poco sobre política, de lo que me siento muy orgullosa.
·Algunos problemas personales se fueron disipando?? genial
·Me compré un ukelele y aprendí a tocarlo ajhsgjhjsddjj
·Empecé a salir de casa sin maquillaje por primera vez en dos años o así y me hace muy feliz.
·Conocí a un par de personas.
·Empecé a ser (ligeramente) social!!
·Aprendí más sobre mis relaciones con los demás y a analizar las situaciones y saber cuando debo actuar.
·En general aprender?


Qué espero de 2016?
·Aprender.
·Tal vez otro idioma?
·Ganar muchísima confianza :D
·Conocer genteee.
·Socializar más ajaj.
·Pasar más tiempo con mis amigos
·Mudarme?

Feliz 2016!

As you can see, as common as it sounds, the sun is going down while office buildings that cause anxiety to humans act as its grave. It's just another Friday night.Of course, taking into consideration that Fridays don't matter to the universe.

Routine is no good for them (of course, taking into consideration that "bad" doesn't really mean anything). Work  does for them what we do for each other. We provide a feeling of apparent comfort.
we forcefeed habits
we disguise them as happy
we live It off thinking that this is no longer a way to mantain our conflicted bodies and  pretty minds in a safe and cozy realm, but as a part of the definition of ourselves. Of course every single decision you make and act you see and word you hear and obviously every person and job you get sunk in creates you, as we are layers of bacteria of thought, drunken off pride and "intelligence" and "ignorance".

so I'll ask you one more time
(because in my mind the times I did it so silently count as three times)
I'll ask you to understand that you'll never understant what I mean. I know you think we're doing it right, because it is what we're supposed to do after all, be there for each other if we fall, help each other reach our goals, and together pay our tolls but have you never thought of what you're doing to youself
           .and it's all my fault.?

I think I will stay quiet. I'm not denying I want to leave and I won't say I didn't love you with every piece of my crushing soul, but love will not sustain me or fix my abstinence syndrome from the wonderless months
 it's a moment not a life, it's a feeling not a right and when I'm reeling
               towards
                                            the
                                                                 door
not drunk off memories anymore
I'll be honest.
                          you don't have to need me, you did before



[inspired by Ghost by Halsey. damn i rly need to get back writing]

22:58 pretentious thoughts on love

There will be someone at some point in your life that will ask you about it, because they either assume that the feeling is universal or think you have experienced it. If you have, you'll probably say something rational, a practical and easy way to tell if the comfort of someone's company can be fit inside that four letter word. Others, like me, who have presumably never felt anything similar will tell you a story or sing a song and hope that you understant it in the same way they do in their fantasies. If you were to ask me, I'd probably describe it with something pretentious that I have actually rehearsed a couple of times, because when you look in her eyes you just see the sky. Yes, that's a quote I stole from a song but it accurately describes what I think it to be. It's all about our perspective, right? I guess it's kind of like "qualia", where it could be a different experience for everyone but the limitations of our languages don't allow us to communicate in what way they are different. Love is weird.

23:42

Siempre me pongo a pensar que dentro de dos años yo seré la que escriba un discurso y la idea era "recaudar" consejos de la gente de mi curso y mi consejo sería algo como: sometimes life is going to be disappointing. and it's going to be sad. and it'll make you want to cry and it'll make you want to die. but at the end of the day it doesn't matter, if you can fall asleep tonight. after tonight comes tomorrow, and it's better in my mind. so finish this crying if you want, and be all sad but know that tomorrow exists for you. just don't give up Tonight.