two lil things

Hi.

It's still me.

Although my brain has decided to distribute its chemicals in an order that makes nothing seem to have sense, I still keep the necklace you gave me in our first trip to your favourite place.

Even when the pain is the only thing that keeps all the remaining feelings tightly strained in a locked up cage... I still think about the day you told me to remember, when the wind washed away our worries and tears felt like nothing but the rain of November when it's the middle of May.

It may seem silly, stupid and lazy when I say that I do not want the chain to take me away- it feels like an old friend, the pain when they held up a sign just to say... Are you too weak to deal with today.

~~~

My life is just counting down, crossing out days like running through a maze that ends in a room with ten doors and a maze behind everyone of them except for one. What does it hide, you might ask. Well. It depends on whose you unmask.

Behind it for me is a land with tall trees and a few colors guiding the way. The weather just right and a huge house with sights and a camera and you by my side.

Querido Patrick,

Y entonces, por primera vez, me sentí libre. La liberación vino en forma de una maravillosa brisa en la oscuridad, mientras mi cabello fluía con ella, y sentía mi vestido como una llama que dibujaba el camino tras de mí. Dejé al frío deslizarse a través de cada poro, hundirse en mis células, cuidadosamente asentadas mientras otros desorganizados sonidos llegaban a mis oídos y hacían mi piel vibrar.

Sentí, por una vez, que él no estaba alli sólo porque se sentía pena por mí. No parecía un brindis de simpatía, sino más bien como un silencioso aliado, un ángel que me trajo aquí. Él no me guió. Solamente ofreció un camino al Único Momento. Mi momento. Me levanté y todo miedo al juicio y las preocupaciones sobre meterme en problemas sólo se...disiparon. Todo estaba claro. Ya no era un extraño a mi propio cuerpo. Yo no era un esclavo. Yo no era un luchador ni estaba resistiendo. Pero yo era. Y ser era la cosa más significativa que había experimentado nunca.

Filtrándose a través de las bajas luces que iluminaban el túnel y el rugido del viento, escuché la canción por los altavoces. En ese instante, ya no era una persona cantando, sino una mera creación puesta en el universo en ese mismo segundo, que existía sólo por el tiempo en el que yo la escuchaba. Y de nuevo, se adentró en mi, cosquilleó a mis sentidos y entró sin llamar, haciéndome así sentir.

Sentí.

Por primera vez, me sentí infinito.

Dear Patrick,

And then, for the first time, I felt free. Liberation came in the shape of a wonderful breeze in the darkness while my hair flowed with it, my dress feeling like a flame that drew the pace behind me. I let the cold slip through every pore, sink in in my cells, carefully settled as otherwise unorganized sounds reached my ears and made my skin vibrate.

I felt, for once, as if he was not there because he felt sorry for me. This felt not as a sympathy toast but more like a quiet sidekick, an angel that brought me here. He didn't lead me. He just offered a way to The Only Moment. My moment. I stood up and all the fear of judgement and all the worrying about getting in trouble just...disipated. It was clear. I was not a stranger to my own body. I was not a slave. I was not a fighter, nor was I resisting. But I was. And being was the most meaningful thing I had ever experienced.

Filtering through the low lights that brightened up the tunnel and the roar of the wind, I heard the song through the speakers. In that instant, it was not a person singing anymore, but a mere creation popped into the universe in that very second that existed only for the time I heard it. And again, it crawled into me, tickled my senses and chimed in without knocking, thus making me feel.

I felt.

For the first time, I felt infinite.